How to be happy for others

 One of my NY resolutions was trying to be happy for everyone else, for their successes and for all the good things that happen in their life. And I do want to be, truly.. but.

I just can't help feel some way about it and as much as I try to tell myself otherwise- its true, misery does really love company. 

Take my relationship for example. Why does it bother me so much that he might be closer to my own friends than I am. This is a good thing right? But sometimes, I am just like WHY. Why does it seem like he has so much more in common with everyone else, like WHY does he date me then. hahah, its self depricating i know, and i know people would tell me I'm crazy, but I also know its crazy, which is why I have to suppress and it makes me feel even worse - having feelings that I KNOW i shouldnt have but do. 

It's like what Kim says too, some people just seem lucky. and its hard not to be jealous over the luck. TBH i dont believe its just luck, theres a sense of hard work that goes into creating those opportunities too, but i don't know... 

okay this was just word vomit, everything will turn out okay. it always does.

but if there is any advice out there, about HOW to be happy for others, to not be so jealous , i am all ears.

kthanks bye

setbacks

Last few weeks have been hard on me mentally. Life throws so many curve balls but why does it seem like I have it harder than other people. It's hard when you're putting in the same amount of effort as your peers but somehow they end up with the better marks or they are just lucky with where they get placed for placement and who they make connections with. Luck plays such an important factor, can someone who puts in 110% effort into their studies, placements, applications compete with people who are just lucky or those who are in the right place at the right time? 

It's hard to not compare yourself to other people's successes and its even harder when theyre your friends at uni or in the same group. I hope things will get easier and eventually i will find that light at the end of the tunnel if i keep trying my best cos that's all I can count on atm. 

31/5/20

I want to try to write more regularly, and not because I'm overly stressed or sad or mad.

Last time, I think I wrote about my lack of motivation, but its slowly coming back now. I'm sure this won't be the last time I lose it, but I'll take the win when I can.

So, what's been going on.

The world had just started to recover from Covid-19, when it blew up again because of a black man who got murdered and shot by the police in America.  It seems like every couple of weeks we have another issue that requires a massive outpouring from everyone. Bushfires, global pandemics and now humanity issues, 2020 has been a rough one.

tbc

Let me try again. There is alot of change that is going now, and a lot that is making me reassess, reevaluate myself.

That image that says something along the lines of .. if you don't know, educate yourself. That ignorance is inherently a component of the problem. That not knowing, is just an indication of the privilege that you live under.

I am all those things. As an Asian Australian, I can admit that I have rarely been subjected to the perils of racism, excluding of course the recent coronavirus thing, where for the first time, I felt it- some stares, some glances, all judgement.

As a female, I experience injustice in ways I probably don't realise. The way patients stare at me when they make an inappropriate comment, the way men touch you in clubs, like your body is public property. I get it, but at the same time I don't. I have never had to fear for my life, fear that I will be racially profiled and killed for it. So of course, I don't understand the anger, how can I?

But I sympathise and empathise. At  first, I thought that maybe the approach was wrong. That there was a better way to express the violence, the anger, the injustice. Trying to educate myself, I evaluated all the feelings I went through. At first, it was curiosity. And then I moved into a denial. My opinion of 'a better way', shot down rapidly by the first video explaining why there was no better way- sure everyone is entitled to their opinion, and we can agree to disagree. I don't have a point to prove, I'm entitled to an opinion, I don't want to be made to feel bad because of this opinion I have.

But that was all part of the problem. Refusing to listen, because I was afraid to admit I was wrong. That as much as I value people being open to opinions, yet myself, finding it difficult to concede 'defeat'.

Its interesting, I can see the problem now, and the power of social media. But I still do not want to actively involve my platforms. I just want to sit back and watch from afar, does that really make me such a terrible person?

stumped

It's been coming on for a while now, but especially in this last week.

Let me try to articulate this.

Medicine is hard, but maybe not in the way you would expect. Studying is hard, sure, but if thats all I had to do, then I would be fine.

But its not, and I'm not.
The constant pressure of comparing yourself to your colleagues, always second guessing if your smart enough, if you love the degree enough, if your as good, as righteous, as caring, as hardworking, as knowledgable.. the list goes on and on. I feel so fucking burnt out, and the pile of work that I'm supposed to get through is never ending. Imagine spending all this time studying, and wondering how much of it is actually being retained, because thats me every single fucking day.

The last week has been hard. Hard to find the motivation to really sit down and study, hard to find the motivation to go into hospital and see patients, hard to find the motivation to talk, speak, and socialise with those around me. Yeah, this cloud extends over everything in my life, not just the study aspect. Every day, I just want to lie in bed, and when I give myself the extra hour in bed, the guilt starts to creep in. It's like a race that I'm racing but only with myself.

I'm trying hard to keep afloat, eating ok, sleeping well, trying to get in yoga everyday, just so my mental space is as optimised as possible. Maybe I just miss home, maybe I miss my support people, but even though I have people around me all day everyday, I feel alone and I also want to be alone.

I'm going easy on myself tonight, and tomorrow I will get up and go into hospital. I just want to find my spark, my drive soon.

Finished exams ~