This is not to say im perfect. i do all the above, and thats why its finally getting to me. why cant we all be ourselves, and be loved for it? i told people today that i want to go to a yoga retreat and cleanse out all this 'blackness', lol thats a joke, but seriously, i cant deal with it anymore. i dont want to bitch, to gossip, to express my feelings anymore, not like that anyway. i dont want to lie anymore, to myself, or to all the people i love. if this is the teenage experience of hormones and emotions and all that crap, i dont like it. i dislike the person im becoming, shes superficial, judge-y and not someone i want to be. i want to look back on my years at highschool, and see myself as someone im proud of. i know thats corny and shizz, but i dont want to make those mistakes, that when you were little you would have said 'im never going to do that'.
so im going to take these holidays, and really discover myself. if i become a bit of a hermit, so be it. i think i need to take some time to overhaul my life. because the next time someone asks 'why do you look sad. why arent you as talkative as normal', i want to be able to say 'im tired' or 'just not up to chatting' and not be thinking about back when everything was good, before all this drama, and all this insane bitching, back when i was well and truly carefree. i guess.. i just want to be a better person, i want the memories i make now, to be ones, i will cherish forever. love me or hate me, thats up to you.