It's been coming on for a while now, but especially in this last week.
Let me try to articulate this.
Medicine is hard, but maybe not in the way you would expect. Studying is hard, sure, but if thats all I had to do, then I would be fine.
But its not, and I'm not.
The constant pressure of comparing yourself to your colleagues, always second guessing if your smart enough, if you love the degree enough, if your as good, as righteous, as caring, as hardworking, as knowledgable.. the list goes on and on. I feel so fucking burnt out, and the pile of work that I'm supposed to get through is never ending. Imagine spending all this time studying, and wondering how much of it is actually being retained, because thats me every single fucking day.
The last week has been hard. Hard to find the motivation to really sit down and study, hard to find the motivation to go into hospital and see patients, hard to find the motivation to talk, speak, and socialise with those around me. Yeah, this cloud extends over everything in my life, not just the study aspect. Every day, I just want to lie in bed, and when I give myself the extra hour in bed, the guilt starts to creep in. It's like a race that I'm racing but only with myself.
I'm trying hard to keep afloat, eating ok, sleeping well, trying to get in yoga everyday, just so my mental space is as optimised as possible. Maybe I just miss home, maybe I miss my support people, but even though I have people around me all day everyday, I feel alone and I also want to be alone.
I'm going easy on myself tonight, and tomorrow I will get up and go into hospital. I just want to find my spark, my drive soon.